Freak Out: Target Recalls "Unsafe" PJs!

This week I'm sorry to tell you that Target apparently forgot that babies aren't fireproof, and a bunch of their pjs don't meet flammability standards.

"This recall involves Target Circo and Xhilaration children's cotton or cotton/fleece two-piece pajama sets. They were sold in infant and toddler sizes 12M, 2T, 3T, 4T and 5T, and in girls and boys sizes XS, S, M, L and XL."

I'm a terrible mom-to-be, so it never really occurred to me that there were Federal Flammability Standards, and this doesn't really clear up how these standards work:

"The children's cotton or cotton/fleece pajamas sets fail to meet the federal flammability standards for children's sleepwear, because they do not meet the tight-fitting sizing requirements. This poses a burn hazard to children."

Wait . . . wouldn't it be the parents' responsibility to make sure the pajamas are "tight-fitting"? All babies are different, babies of the exact same age will fit in their clothes quite differently--you can't just slap "0-3 months" on there and expect them to fit all 2 months old babies.

"The items also came with a yellow hangtag stating, "For child's safety, garment should fit snugly. This garment is not flame resistant. Loose-fitting garment is more likely to catch fire."

So, these pjs even come with instructions about fit, and a warning about flammability?  What exactly did Target fail to do here--add an audio warning that goes off the instant you put these things on your kid? Come to your house directly to inspect for fire hazards?? Clearly Target has failed miserably here.

Should you find any of these death traps in your home, be sure to return them to Target right away for a full refund. In the meantime, stop dropping those lit cigarettes into your baby's crib!

Freak Out Friday: You're Teaching your Baby Swear Words

If you thought you could wait until after baby's birth to clean up your language--particularly those moms eschewing pain meds--think again!

Turns out, baby is learning language while in the womb--and that probably includes swear words!

"In the latest study, published in the journal Acta Paediatrica, researchers tested 40 American and 40 Swedish newborns and found that the babies responded to the distinctive sounds of the language they heard before birth."

Well, that sure doesn't sound like it means much of anything. "Responding" to something doesn't mean you understand it--if someone started screaming at me in German, I'm sure I'd respond--and certainly not that you're apt to remember it and shout it out as your first word.

Let's check the original New York Times article, maybe that will clear things up:

"The babies’ understanding the difference between native and nonnative sounds could be attributed only to prenatal learning."

Learning to distinguish sounds isn't exactly parroting back Shakespeare sonnets, now is it?

A rational consideration of this information leads me to the conclusion that we're all in the clear.

Nonetheless, it's obviously time to panic.

Babies learn language in the womb. Meanwhile, you've been cursing at that asshole who refuses to use a blinker every commute since conception.

You have doomed your baby.

If you are a Good Parent, you will stop swearing immediately and start reading classic French novels to your fetus, in their original language, in an attempt to undo the horrific damage you have inflicted upon your unborn child.

How could you?!?

(Alternately, you could start teaching your child foreign swear words. Because what could be funnier than your toddler cursing at your mother-in-law in a language she doesn't speak??)

Freak Out! What you're doing wrong this week.

Whether it's your mother-in-law, best friend or the mailman, someone is always at hand to tell you exactly what it is you're doing wrong with your baby.

This week, you may just be a horrible parent exposing your baby to MOLD!

"Fisher-Price Newborn Rock`N Play Sleeper Recall: 800,000 Recliner Seats Recalled Due To Mold Risk"

Dear God, that's horrible! Those poor babies!

Let's explore a little further, shall we?

"Mold can develop between the removable seat cushion and the hard plastic frame if the sleeper remains wet or is infrequently cleaned." 

...

Let me get this straight. 

If you leave plastic damp, and then wrap it up in a synthetic cover, you're telling me mold can grow in there?? MOLD?? On wet plastic surrounded by non-breathable synthetic fabric??

Get out of town!

And I just can't believe that when you don't clean things often enough, they might get moldy--that's crazy talk! 

"If mold is found, they are advised to immediately stop using the product and to contact Fisher-Price for cleaning instructions or further assistance."

Here are your cleaning instructions, no phone call necessary: clean your kids' stuff! Often! Possibly with bleach! And then dry it thoroughly!

And if you can't be bothered to clean your kids' stuff, quit calling Fisher Price to complain that their products aren't made of adamantium and completely indestructible.

"But Kristen," you say, "not a drop of a water has touched my RnP, and it's still moldy!"

And to that I say, what exactly do you think that humidifier you keep in baby's room is designed to do? That's right, add moisture to the air. So if it feels like a Florida summer in there, maybe turn it down a bit.