Mommy Math

As a new(ish) mom, you do this thing.

This annoying, useless THING that you just can't seem to stop doing, no matter how useless it is.

It doesn't help anything. It doesn't make you feel better. In fact, it probably makes you feel worse.

But you can't NOT do it.

I call it "mommy math."

Example 1:

8pm. Ok, if he sleeps for 4 hours, he'll be up at 12am, and I go to bed at 10:30, so that gives me . . . 1.5 hours sleep. If he's back asleep at 12:30 for another 3 hours, I'm up to . . . 4.5 hours sleep. Then maybe he'll go another 2, 2.5 after that, so that's . . . 6.5, 7 hours of sleep. Ok, that's reasonable. I can live with that.

Example 2: 

Ugh. It's 3am. I've had about 3 hours of sleep. If he falls back asleep by 3:30 and goes another 3 hours, that's 6. That's reasonable. Or maybe he'll sleep until 8! By magic! And then I'll get . . . 7.5 hours of sleep! I can conquer the world on that!

Example 3: 

Grrr. He's been up 3 times tonight already. We all went to bed at 10, and then he was up at 11:30 for a half hour, then again at 2 for another half hour, and now it's 4 and he's up again. So I've had . . .5 hours of sleep. He'd better sleep for another 3 hours. Then I'll get 8 hours of crappy, interrupted sleep, which isn't awful . . . 

You have an unstoppable obsession with EXACTLY how much sleep you're getting. As if knowing the number of hours, however ridiculous or "reasonable," will somehow make you feel less tired. When the reality is, even if you're ultimately getting 8 hours of sleep, waking up 5 times a night is going to leave you feeling like you've been run over by a freight train.

And you know that.

You know, deep down in your heart, that the numbers are meaningless--that you're going to be tired, that you're going to drink a vat of coffee, and you're going to forget something important because your brain has turned to mush, and no amount of reassuring math will change that.

But you count on . . .

Lies Baby Sleep Experts Tell

Around 3 months, your baby will develop a nap schedule.

(True; my baby naps whenever he's so absolutely exhausted from fighting a nap, he just passes out.)

Your baby will take 3 1-2 hour naps a day.

(If by "3" you mean "5," and "1-2 hours," you mean "30-40 minutes." Except when you have visitors who have heard stories about your non-napping baby, at which point, he will sleep for 3 solid hours.)

Putting your baby down drowsy but awake will help him learn to fall asleep on his own.

(It will also help you learn just how much fussing and crying you can tolerate before caving and rocking him or nursing him to sleep like you always do.)

When your baby starts breaking out of his swaddle, it's time to stop swaddling.

(It sure is . . . if you want to watch him slap himself awake repeatedly. Alternately, it's time to wrap him up tighter.)

Baby should nap in his crib, not a car seat, bouncy seat or swing. 

(At this point, I don't care if he wants to sleep on the hood of the car . . . )

At 4-6 months, most babies can sleep through the night without feeding, so try to soothe your baby back to sleep instead of nursing him.

(We do this. I soothe him by . . . nursing him.)

Why My Baby Is Awake

He's hungry.

He has to poop, and doesn't want to miss it.

He has gas, and needs to be awake for that too.

His stomach is slightly uncomfortable because of one of the above.

He heard a scary noise.

He imagined a scary noise.

The ceiling fan is distracting him.

The ABSOLUTELY NOTHING on the ceiling is distracting him.

He woke up with his arms swaddled and is pissed.

He whapped himself in the face with an unswaddled arm, and now wants to be swaddled again.

He has a pacifier in his mouth and can't figure out how to spit it out.

He spit his pacifier out and wants it back.

His mom is so fascinating, he doesn't want to miss a second of her life.

A Woman and Her Snoogle: A Love/Hate Relationship

I often wonder which is worse: having a newborn, and therefore having far fewer opportunities for sleep; or being in your third trimester and being unable to get a good night's sleep, despite numerous opportunities.

I guess I'll find out soon enough.

(And for the record, I plan to shamelessly "sleep when the baby sleeps," no matter what my house looks like.)

I've always favored stomach sleeping, so I knew pregnancy would present a challenge.

(I've never been a back sleeper, which I guess is ok because sleeping on your back while pregnant might kill you. Or turn you into a zombie. Or something. I don't remember the details, just the "no back sleeping" part.)

But side sleeping was working out fairly well, until early in the third trimester. 

That's when I started being awakened in the night by stabbing pains in my hips and lower back.

(I had a sneaking suspicion that my husband was actually jabbing me with a fork, then rolling over and feigning sleep, but upon further inspection, he appeared to be fork-less.)

It seems all that side sleeping, combined with a growing baby pressing on your nerves and pushing your bones out of place, can lead to horrific pain that interrupts your sleep, at just that crucial time period when everyone and their brother is telling you to sleep like you've never slept before.

A pillow between the knees did little for me, so I dropped $50 on the well-reviewed Snoogle. 

The reason this post isn't appearing on "Mom-saver Mondays" is because I honestly can't decide whether the Snoogle is my best friend, or my worst enemy. 

I mean, it really helps me sleep . . . except when it doesn't.

Generally, our nighttime routine goes something like this.

Phase 1: Wrestle Snoogle into place under the covers, then try to climb into bed over it. Fail miserably. Pick self up off floor to attempt entry #2. Fold Snoogle out of the way, scoot under it, then spend 10 minutes pushing and shoving it into place.

Phase 2: Ahhhh! Snoogle is in perfect position--1 end under head, the other tucked between knees and thighs, and long side tucked firmly behind back. This is the most comfortable I've ever been.

Phase 3 (15 minutes later): Why does this pillow make my ear hurt?? So weird. Push head end off to the side and use regular pillow.

Phase 4 (about 2 hours later):  One side of nose is stuffed. In the interest of breathing, struggle to roll over and resituate self and Snoogle. Finally get comfortable enough to doze off.

Phase 5 (10 minutes later): Crap. I have to pee. Peel back covers, shove top half of Snoogle to the side, scoot under it, half-tumble out of bed and make way to the bathroom. Upon return to bed, repeat Phase 1.

(Note: Phase 5 may repeat during Phases 6 and/or 7.)

Phase 6 (several hours later): Awaken to stabbing back pains. Snoogle has been kicked out of place and top half is dangling over nightstand, threatening to knock several piles of crap onto the floor. Haul it back in to bed and squash under self. 

Phase 7 (rest of the night): Brief periods of restful, relatively pain-free sleep, interrupted every time body feels the need to roll over and finds Snoogle blocking the way. Spend far too many minutes awake, reaccommodating Snoogle. Finally grow so frustrated with Snoogle, throw it out of bed around 6am, and sleep for another 30 minutes, propping top knee on annoyed husband.

So, to sum up, it really does help alleviate hip and back pain, but causes so many other frustrations, it's hard to decide if it's worth it. I go to bed with it every night, ready to write it a love poem, and wake up every morning ready to chuck it out the window.

(Insert obvious "Kinda like my husband" joke here.)