4 Insane Pregnancy “Truths” that are Complete BS

Myth 1: People will be nicer to you

Reality: Last night a family of four pushed me and my family out of the way so they could board a parking garage elevator 1^st. Because one of them had a “problem” with her foot. You heard it here first: imaginary foot problem trumps obvious pregnancy, and means you can shove people around without even saying “Excuse me,” or, more importantly, “I’m sorry.” Merry Christmas!

Myth 2: You can eat whatever you want for 9 months.

Reality: There’s an ideal amount of weight to gain, which doctors will advise you is 25-35 pounds (if you’re starting at a healthy weight), but that the general population seems to agree is closer to 0. People will watch your food intake like a hawk, and have no qualms about opening the giant mouths they’re shoveling food into indiscriminately to comment on both the quantity and quality of the food you’re eating. The barista making $8/hour at Starbucks is certain s/he’s medically qualified to pass judgment on your caffeine consumption. Everyone’s a critic. (A critic who needs to be drop kicked into mind-your-own-damn-business land.)

Myth 3: Baby kicks are magical.

Reality: Early on in your pregnancy, baby kicks are pretty magical. Just tiny flutters that remind you there’s a legitimate reason you haven’t guzzled a bottle of Malbec in 5 months. As pregnancy progresses, though, things get less magical. Those “kicks,”—which might be kicks, elbow jabs, headbutts, who knows?—get stronger and seem to be purposefully aimed at your bladder. There’s also squirming and fidgeting, which feel like a tiny alien trying to burrow out through the side of your abdomen. You can actually see your stomach moving, which can be quite disconcerting. And as baby starts running out of room in there, he takes his frustrations out by pummeling your ribcage. Ahhh, the miracle of life.

Myth 4: Pregnant women are glowing and beautiful.

Reality: Good Lord, no.

I do not glow. If I seem to be glowing, I’m probably sweating—incubating a new life generates a lot of heat (and the synthetic panel on these God-awful maternity pants isn’t helping), which is nearly impossible to adjust to after an entire lifetime of always being cold.

And beautiful? As if the extra weight weren’t enough, your body goes through a number of absurd changes no one warns you about, for fear of dooming the human race as women around the world say, “Um, really? No thanks.” Your nose might grow. Your NOSE. Your ankles swell. Breakouts. Greasy hair. Nosebleeds. Bleeding gums. You can’t reach certain places to shave. Or sometimes any places.

Where’s that modeling contract? I’m ready to sign!