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Thursday, December 13, 2012

Dressing: A Handbook for Pregnant Gals

Step 1: Wake up with completely unfounded suspicion that pre-maternity clothes still fit. Dash to closet in fit of joy, and try on various items that clearly do not fit, up to and including “fat” jeans.

Step 2: Cry.

Step 3: Glare at maternity clothes.

Step 4: Decide belly band is the solution. Wiggle into pre-maternity pants again, with band jammed on top to hold them up.

Step 5: Wander about completing morning routine, stopping every 5 seconds to adjust belly band and non-fitting pants.

Step 6: Stubbornly refuse to acknowledge the complete uselessness of belly band; struggle through breakfast with waistband puddling into lap.

Step 7: Glare at husband when he comments that your clothes "look . . . odd." Remind him that this entire situation is HIS FAULT.

Step 8: Admit defeat. Return to closet.

Step 9: Glare at maternity clothes some more. 

Step 10: Keep glaring.

Step 11: Realize you're going to be late for work. Consider quitting altogether.

Step 12: Put on same black dress pants and empire waist maternity button-down you've been wearing every day since the beginning of time. 

Step 13: Count number of weeks until you can reasonably hope to fit into your "real" clothes again.

Step 14: Final glare at maternity clothes.

Ta-da! And it only took 2.5 hours!


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