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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

5 Things You Might Lose During Pregnancy


....other than your mind.

Your organs.

By month 9, it seems like baby is everywhere--kicking you in the ribs, headbutting your pubic bone, punching you in the belly button. So . . . where's everything that used to be in your abdomen?? Apparently it's all still squished in there, which is why you feel stomach grumbles under your lungs and you get indigestion from the blandest food. Things have slowed waaaaaaaay down as your food struggles to find its way through the new maze that is your internal organs. Tip: avoid soy. It takes an effort to digest when you're not pregnant . . .

Your ankles

If you didn't have cankles before pregnancy, you probably will by month 9. And it's got nothing to do with all that Valentine's Day candy you've been chomping. (Well, maybe not nothing.) You're full of all kinds of extra fluids, and since very few of us are employed in a career that involves keeping our feet above our heads, you'll find it pooling up in your legs and feet by the end of the day. They say to drink plenty of water and cut back on salt. I haven't found this to be particularly helpful, but hey, give it a shot.

Your breasts

You still have breasts, but they're not yours. They're somebody else's, clearly. They're larger, oddly shaped, criss-crossed with bright blue veins and sometimes painful. You have to buy new bras to rein them in. And rumor has it you'll get a whole new set of someone else's breasts when you start breastfeeding!

Your fashion sense

Remember before you got pregnant, you would look at pregnant women in over-sized tshirts and yoga pants and think, "I won't be that lazy about dressing when I'm pregnant!"? Here's the secret: it's not laziness. Well, in some cases it might be. But no matter how diligent you are about dressing well, by month 9, your clothes simply do. not. fit. Maternity shirts are too short to cover your protruding belly, and elastic waist pants will expand to accommodate your belly, but not your butt. Don't even get me started on shoes. And who's going to buy new, bigger maternity clothes when you're going to give birth in a month? No one. Unless maybe you're independently wealthy. Which brings me to the last point . . .

Your paycheck

Babies cost money. 
The end.

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